Friday afternoon. I'm having a wonderful prayer and talk time with Z. Z is intelligent and perceptive. She is doing such amazing work and I'm seeing her grow and change before my eyes. With her good grooming and ready smile, if you saw her waiting for the bus or coming out of The Well, you might think gosh, she doesn't look homeless...
Suddenly panic fills her eyes. "What time is it?" she blurts. 5:15. Z runs for the door. "I missed check-in at the shelter. If they won't let me sign in late, I'll have to sleep on the street tonight. PRAY!"
Two weeks ago, Z's 90 day bed at the shelter expired. On Monday night, she slept there - in a safe place. She left her belongings in a small, locked cubicle during the day. She received mail and was able to shower each morning. She spent most of Tuesday night huddled in a blanket outside MSC South, one of the intake sites for San Francisco's shelters - hoping to be among the first in line when "numbers" for single-day, 2-3 day and 90 day beds would be distributed at 6 the next morning.
If you called the intake center, you'd be told "numbers are given out at 6. Come a little before." If you believed that, you'd be sleeping on the streets another night.
Instead, if you asked the street people, they would say. "Just before 6? No way. Get there at 3:00. Some folks sleep in line all night, just to be sure."
Please understand, this is not like sleeping outside your neighborhood Walmart on Black Friday because you want to be first in line for an X-Box for your kid. MSC South is in a dirty, dangerous neighborhood. Nearby, a "camp" under the expressway is home to long-term homeless people. Drugs and human beings are for sale. At 3 am, drug dealers rule the corners and addicts pass out on sidewalks, between cars and in alleys. Pimps and thieves and aggressive men are everywhere. Women are especially vulnerable to violence and exploitation. Frankly, the street in front of MSC South is just plain scary. I don't like to walk there after 7 pm. At 3 a.m.? Never...
But, Z needs a safe place to sleep. So, she joins the line in front of MSC South.
Why doesn't Z get permanent housing? She isn't an addict - why doesn't she get a job, find a roommate and move into an apartment? Why is a complicated dance...one with ever-changing music and inconsistent rules.
Z suffers from very severe PTSD. She grew up in a cult. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse was her "normal." She fled and has lived on and off the streets for nearly a decade. She lived on the street in San Francisco's Mission neighborhood. She says "God made me invisible when I was homeless in the Mission. I'd walk right by terrible things. Terrible people. And it was like they didn't even see me."
Z is brave and honest and genuinely kind. And, daily life is a challenge. She is hyper-vigilant. Panics when she can't see the doorway or someone stops to stare into a window. She often sits with her back to the wall. People and places that remind her of the cult or of abusive family members leave her shaking and terrified. She "keeps the chaos away" by hundreds of carefully organized actions every day. Check and re-check to make sure her cubicle is locked. Carry every "essential" with her at all times. Watch the street. Watch behind you. Watch. Watch. Watch.
Working a job, for Z, would be like climbing Mt. Everest. Without oxygen. Without proper equipment. It is literally all she can do to manage her PTSD, panic, fear, and hyper-vigilance on a daily basis.
As a licensed psychotherapist, I have asked "the questions" and heard Z's responses. I am certain that she simply doesn't have the capacity now to cope with her mental illness, keep body and soul together, and hold down a job. Not yet, anyway.... She needs help to find her feet and begin to stand on solid ground.
So, Z. is applying for Social Security Disability. One "plus" is that, if she qualifies, she can then apply for subsidized housing. Although it would still be months for an application to be processed, cleared and approved. If her current 90 day bed "expires" before this, she will back - again - at MSC South. This, too, is part of the dance of homelessness.
Some people criticize Social Security Disability as "entitlements." I hear words like "responsibility" and "self help." For Z, this is survival. It is help to keep from drowning. A life ring to give her time and safety in which to heal and recover.
So, Z applied and waits. With approval for a subsidized single room, Z would pay 1/3 of her SSDI income for housing. The remaining goes to food, clothing, transportation, phone, and taxes. She would finally know where she'd be sleeping for more than 90 days at a time. Never have to sleep in front of MSC South again. She could finally focus her energy on healing and recovery.
Her goal? To deal with the PTSD and "find myself again." To "be peaceful inside and able to be the person Jesus made me to be." Then, she wants to get a job. Maybe, someday, meet a man who loves Jesus and have a family.
But first....one step at a time. One day at a time, Z works on her healing. She comes to BJM on Monday for Nail Day. There she is loved SO much. We are the lucky ones...just to know her!! On Tuesday, she is part of our bible study. She is wise and full of insight. She trusts Jesus for everything. EVERY. Single. Thing. Wednesday, she joins 5 or 6 other women for "Community group" where we are learning healthy communication skills. Thursday morning is "Art for the Heart" where she explores her emotions and learns to hear God's loving voice. We meet once a week, too. God is moving. So is Z!
And, meanwhile, Z had the first of many evaluations for SSDI. One of the BJM staff and a lovely woman from our bible study and Community group accompanied her. Alone isn't good. Together is!
The dance continues....
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