I've never worried about shelter when I sleep. Or whether I would be safe in the night. Ever.
For homeless women in the Tenderloin - and anywhere else in the world - the words shelter, sleep and safety are simply not connected.
BJM staff have noticed how often women at Nail Day fall asleep during manicures. Sitting at the manicure station. Safe. Shelter. Sleep. Come together for a few minutes.
At The Well it happens all the time. K sometimes asks to nap downstairs while staff are doing office work. S once came to wrap in soft blankets and sleep for a couple of hours....the coughing of women in the shelter had kept her up most of the night.
One beautiful woman came to Art for the Heart every thursday morning, with all her belongings carefully balanced and tied down in a shopping cart. We knew she spent the nights under a bridge near the highway. Sometimes I would wake in the middle of the night, driven to pray for her safety. Crying out to Jesus to help her. Feeling helpless....she refused to sleep in any shelter .....even those solely for women. Being in close physical proximity to others triggered deep-seated panic and paranoia. Simply said, severe PTSD symptoms from decades of complex trauma kept her from being able to sleep in a room with 50 other women! So, she shielded herself with cardboard and shopping carts under a bridge.
Every Thursday she haul her shopping cart onto the sidewalk and into the Well. She would greet everyone - often bringing some fruit or other food she had been given or found to share. Everyone shared hugs and "how are yous".... Soon, I'd start to play worship music on my laptop and we'd settle in. After a few sips of hot tea and nestled into a comfortable chair, this lovely soul would fall asleep. Sitting up. She'd sleep until the group headed to the art room to start the "art-heart exploration" for the day.
Repeatedly we invited her to come and rest. "Would you like to come a couple of hours early to bible study and take a nice nap?" We'd ask. "We're upstairs doing admin work and would be happy to bring down blankets and a soft pillow...no one else would be here. You could rest." We placed our two faithful "room dividers" in front of the windows for privacy. We offered hot tea.
And, she never came. Why? Did she feel unsafe, even behind a locked door in our beautiful BJM women's center? Did she feel ashamed? Too vulnerable? We don't know. Our much-loved friend disappeared over Christmas and we haven't seen her ....and don't know where she is.
So...back to the focus of this stream-of-consciousness posting: shelter, sleep, safety... and the human longing, desire, and need for Home.
One of our BJM "regulars" has been without a consistent home for some years. I'll call her Free - because that's what Jesus is doing in her!
Free was raised in a cult. She escaped - but her soul - her mind, will, and emotions - had been severely wounded. As a result, she ended up on the streets in San Franciso. She lived in the "not-so-gentrified" areas of the city for a couple of years. Dangerous is the first word that comes to mind even driving through that neighborhood today.
"God protected me," she told me recently. "I was so naive. Sometimes I think He made me invisible. I'd just pass by terrible things and nobody even noticed me." She even saw cult members - whom she feared might be searching for and/or harm her. Again, "They didn't even see me."
At some point, Free lived in a large house with other people. She describes this time as "physically safe but not emotionally safe." She found medical care and says "God started to heal me [from the experiences in the cult.]"
Was this a "sex for housing" arrangement? Would she have been a good judge of what "physically safe" might look like? I don't know. Studies consistently show that, while in settings of ongoing danger and chaos, women are often unable to effectively assess the actual danger of their situations. They under-estimate the severity of physical injuries and frequently cannot clearly recall what happened after seeing or experiencing some violent interaction.
So...a couple of years passed. Free kept getting better. Today, Free is steadily working toward her goal of getting a job and returning to school. She comes to our bible study, our Wednesday "Community" group where we're studying "brave communication," and is seeking healing of her heart at our Thursday Art group.
To call her determined is an understatement. The word amazing doesn't say enough. She should be wearing a survivor's version of a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star for valor!
And, Free lives daily with symptoms of PTSD. She startles easily. She is afraid to sit anywhere if she can't see the doorway. She is frightened of sitting in front of a window where she might be seen. She always, always watches behind and around her body and possessions. Every minute. Rest, even in the women's shelter, comes in pieces - interrupted by dreams and intrusive memories that jolt her abruptly from sleep.
If you're thinking "This must be exhausting..." I'm thinking the same thing.
If you're wondering "how does anyone ever get sober, find housing, get a job or generally figure out life when every moment is spent coping and the self-protective reactions of trauma survival takes all their energy?" I'm thinking the same thing.
Well, This is it for today. But it isn't the end of Free's story.
Next posting, I want to share Free's experience trying to get a "90 Day" shelter bed. A coveted, hard-to-come-by oasis of stability in the lives of homeless women. Recently she told me what it took to navigate the emergency housing system and obtain a 90 day bed.
All I can say now is, her story destroys the myth of the "lazy" homeless who "don't want to work" or "choose to be homeless." I don't know if I would have the resilience and determination required to do this.
Will you hold Free in your heart today? If you pray, would you shower down healing wholeness and HOPE over her? Would you pray for W - the beauty who used to sleep through Art for the Heart and has disappeared?
AND P.S, a not-so-off-topic side tangent:
Remember the room dividers we put up in front of the windows to give privacy to the women at The Well? Just an aside....we need more of them!
Police policies prohibit Tenderloin businesses from covering more than a small percentage of their window space. This is to help prevent "icky stuff" from happening. Good idea....but doesn't work well for us.
The women feel exposed when people pass by the large, beautiful windows. Sketchy guys stare inside. I worry that predators and pedophiles will see the children during dance classes. So, no blinds, but we can use temporary dividers.
Someone - maybe YOU - could order one or two of the woven "rattan" style dividers from World Market and have it sent to 357 Ellis Street, San Francisco 94102. Tax deduction. Would make me really happy. Would make you happy too!
End of public service announcement.
Love to all
Julia
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