Monday, December 30, 2013

Gift x Investment = Strength. Change is in the air....but where is the wind blowing?

It's 60+ degrees in San Francisco. Yesterday i wore sandals and used Christmas money to buy a hippie tunic.  I feel at the edge of change.  Maybe dressing differently (what? no more black and more black?)   I suddenly, after decades of Birkenstock-wearing, want to buy a pair of those hip, cool, and trendy boots.  for crying out loud, I lost 12 pounds and bought a pair of skinny pants (well, sort of skinny....let's not get carried away).

How do we know when it's time for change.  I just GOT here.  I love what I'm doing.  It is the right place for me now. The right focus for my life in this time.

Then, other things start flying by.  The Dean of Students of a ministry school in the area speaks to me about the need for healing ministry with their students.  My church leaders announce a missions trip to thailand - people are needed to do healing prayer and counseling with children and adult survivors of sex trafficking.    I learn that someone I want to mentor me is planning a ministry trip to Uganda.  I want to go!

The possibility of more change is intriguing. And, it leaves me feeling unsettled and a bit anxious.  Like I said, I just got here. I love what I'm doing.  I know this is the right place for this time in my life.  so, why am I feeling at the edge of change? 

I remember hearing stories from exchange students and friends who moved to new locations.  they often said. "About 3 months in I hit a wall. Felt tired. Easily frustrated.  Wanted to go home."
Then, about 6 months in, they started to dream in the new language. Began to wake up knowing they were in their new home - not the old one.  Change.

I sense that kind of change.  A deeper settling.  A clearer focus. Something new. Something's happening.

What I suddenly see is the change that's approaching isn't greater insight about what I'm doing. It isn't a different focus or something new I'm supposed to DO.  it isn't even something else that interests me or strikes my fancy.    it's change in ME.  Something new and deeper happening inside.

Prior to coming to San Francisco I spent a lot of time and energy in self-discovery. Who was I, after decades of taking care of everyone else but myself?  What were my real gifts?  I had spent many years doing what needed to be done and putting the individual (me) aside for the good of the group (church, family, ministry, team....whatever).  This wasn't terrible or wrong. It also wasn't always healthy or balanced.

So, the decision to come to San Francisco and invest in Because Justice matters was a decision to explore and invest in who I am.  Where my real gifts and interests lie.  What really makes my bells ring and brings me closer to the heart of Father God.

During the year prior to this change,  our Madison, Wisconsin leadership team did Strength Finders. We journeyed through the DISC test and read "LEMON Leadership."  I saw that I had been taught, for all my Christian life, that my "job" was to fix my weaknesses.  I focused on weakness-fixing. I was barely aware of my strengths.   Oh, I had taken some Christian-y "gifts" testing (often gender biased and role-oriented.....I didn't find them particularly helpful, to be honest).   I wasn't confident in understanding my own strengths. 

I learned things like "A wounded 'D' (Directive, dominant according to DISC descriptions) often functions as an 'S'  (steadiness, service)."   That helped me understand some of my history and life decisions  Interesting... Did I choose service and steadiness because my directive, dominant woman-self wasn't welcome in the Christian community?  Is that true?  Hmmm.  What does that say about my "steady, serving" self?  Was that real or just a way to cope and please people??????

 I discovered my Individualization strength (seeing people as individuals, valuing diversity, disliking stereotyping, bias, and lumping people into groups based on arbitrary distinctions like gender or age or whatever).  This helped me understand why justice is so important to me.  Why I reject and dislike certain political perspectives. Why I react so strongly when people presume to "speak for" others....assuming they know what others think, need, or experience. Men who presume to speak for women. White people who presume to know what Black people experience. Straight people to presume to explain what it's like to be gay.  

I learned that TalentGifts x Investment = Strength.  I learned that I am a natural networker, connector, communicator and leader.  All this helped me to figure out a bit of the question "Who am I?"  and "What should I be doing?"

In 2010 I finished a masters program in mental health counseling.  Then, in 2012, I was ordained for ministry.  My pastor, Paul - the apostle who ordained me for ministry- said I have spiritual gifts of pastoring, healing, teaching. But my heart and calling is that of an evangelist.  That helped me.  I've spent the past year growing in understanding that.

So I'm back to Talent/gifts x Investment = Strength.

I wonder whether the change that seems to be on the wind is change I need to foster.  Strength Finder authors wrote that greatest growth comes when we build upon our strengths rather than fix our weaknesses.   What would that even look like?

What would it look like for me to consciously choose situations and experiences that would invest my talent/gifts to increase strengths?   If healing, teaching and pastoral care are among my gifts, how might I consciously invest in them?  How would that develop and increase my Strengths?

So...this collides with years of doing good things because they simply needed to be done. Taking a job coordinating children's ministry because no one truly called to children's ministry was found.  Doing the very best job I could working as a therapist with families because I needed a job that would complete my required hours for licensing as a therapist - all the while knowing my heart wasn't in it and my calling was to bring wounded women to Jesus for healing and wholeness.  Sacrificing career to be home full-time with my kids.

I don't regret those choices.  Yet, what would it look like to change those life-long patterns...not eliminate them, but change them. Let them mature and expand to include investment in my gifts/talents in order to grow and develop my strengths?   To begin to say "I'm doing X....that's good. It needs to happen and I can do it.   AND I need to do Y also....because that's where my gifts and talents lie. That's my spiritual calling."

What does this mean?  I have an evangelist's heart to see every man, woman, and child know Jesus and be transformed by His great, beautiful, healing love.   I long to see people healed...broken bodies, minds, and spirits made Whole.  To see justice done in our communities and, especially, by people who say they follow Jesus.  God has been showing me that His view of justice isn't like ours. He "does justice" with ever-greater acts of ever-more-radical LOVE.

How would I "grow" that strength? How would I consciously give space to that calling and emerging "self"?   How would I invest?  What would that look like?

Change is in the air.  I've decided to find and wear more of the ethnic, "hippie" clothes I used to love and stopped wearing for some reason.   I've set aside some money for those hip, cool, and trendy boots.  Changed my hairstyle a bit, too.  I'm inquiring about that missions trip to Thailand and trying to connect with the amazing woman who leads the healing teams to Uganda and elsewhere.    And, I'm deepening my roots here, with BJM in the Tenderloin.  Asking Dad for more relationships with more women. To show me where I can serve and support what's happening here.  Looking for balance. Investing.

Waiting to see what Father God is going to do. 


1 comment:

  1. Ah yes... change. Sometimes a scary word. Yet when fully embraced, it promises glorious things. It takes courage to face change head-on. It takes faith in a God who we know loves us beyond our understanding and who desires the best for us always. It takes energy and determination to seek the truth in life and to develop our gifts, talents, and abilities so that we can use them to minister to those around us. You, my friend, possess all these things and more. Embrace the changes you are facing and know that I pray God's tender mercies and immeasurable grace will guide each and every step you take.

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