Who Will Come? Back in the Tenderloin....

Taking a break and coming home again.

At the end of December, BJM staff scattered across the country to celebrate Christmas with family and friends. It felt odd to walk by The Well, all silent and dark. Manicure Monday closed until the New Year. 

We all took a much-needed break to rest and recharge our spiritual and emotional batteries for 2015.

After a few days on retreat at Bethel Church in Redding (think: sleep, eat, hang out with Chris and Sarah Pollasch, lie on the floor in the prayer chapel or the Healing Room.... worship music washing over you like waves…repeat) and a long Christmas weekend with my son-in-law’s wonderful family in nearby Vacaville, I returned to the Tenderloin.

It felt like home. Familiar. Happy to see Donna on the street.  She hugged me and said, “I AM going to come back to Nail Day. I miss you guys….just because I don’t like all the women doesn’t mean I can’t come, right?”   

Seeing some of the sketchy drug-dealer-and-user types have moved from their "home" from the sidewalk in front of the park entrance during construction. Some are gone. Good!  A few have reloacted to the concrete in front of the YWAM base.  Hmmm...Not so nice. Pondered how much energy I wanted to spend getting to know Rena, a woman who sells drugs from her wheelchair. Her "sketchy guy" clientele are, well, sketchy.  Gave her a poncho during the rain just before Christmas. Now, she greets me like an old friend.

Back in the thick of it!

 I went to the post office to run errands. About a block from home, a woman came up to ask for money for “Subway.”  I said – as always – I don’t give money to anybody. But I would gladly buy her a sandwich. She mulled that one over. I could see she wanted money, not food. But, she was torn…after, all, a sandwich was better than nothing. Hmmm….

While she was mulling, a young-ish man in a wheelchair zipped by. As he passed, he grabbed the scarf around my neck and pulled. Perhaps he thought he could steal and sell it for a buck or two. Perhaps he was just being obnoxious. But, the scarf was one of those “circle” types, so it stayed around my neck.  He rolled away.  I turned, suddenly feeling furious.

 I shouted. “Hey…. you….HEY. Stop!” The man turned. “I am old enough to be your mother. What are you thinking, grabbing my scarf?”  He looked sheepish.  “Well?” I asked, waiting for a response.

“Um….happy holidays, ma’am,” he mumbled.

I’m back in the Tenderloin, I thought.  The woman looked surprised. Maybe my reaction wasn't what she'd expected from somebody's mom wearing Doc Marten boots and a pink scarf!   She switched gears, and  tried to hit me up for “just $10 to get a room.  It’s cold…” When she continued to press, I put my hand out like a traffic cop. “Stop. I really meant it when I said no money to anyone. You don’t want a sandwich, you want money. Now, I’m leaving.”

I continued my errands. Mail. Pharmacy. Pooh…the little donut shop on Ellis and Taylor was closed (like I needed a donut after Christmas in Vacaville where Karen, my “partner in grandma-ing” fed us like royalty).  

Back at the YWAM base – and home, I saw LB had returned to her usual perch on a milk crate where she sells drugs for a dealer in Oakland. She’s there every day, huddled in her puffy jacket and black watch cap. Until, one day a couple of weeks ago, she rushed into Nail Day, shaking and disoriented. Her mother had died. She was frantic and despairing. “This has got to stop…I’m getting out of here,” she kept saying. She let us pray for her and sat with her much-beloved BJM staffer Cassandra, for nearly an hour, rambling and crying. 

Then, she disappeared for a week or so – mourning her mother. Having a funeral.  Seeing relatives. Grieving and alone. But, now she was back. We sat together on the sidewalk, talking about mothers. About missing hers – and mine. About remembering what made our mothers special and beloved.  She let me bless her….releasing God’s heart for “new things….that this year will bring the changes you have been hoping for. For new life this year.” We hugged. I pray that this might be the year when she makes a life for herself without drugs or street corners.  I LOVE LB!

The new neighborhood park opened. The glorious sound of children’s voices echos across the corners of Jones and Eddy streets. Not business-as-usual in the Tenderloin. But kids playing. Shouting. Laughing. It is the sound of life. Of hope for something different for these children.

This is a park surrounded by special “entrance proof” fencing. The gates are locked except during specified play hours. And even then, a police officer is always, always present every moment. On the federal sex offender registry, our neighborhood map is filled with red and blue “dots” marking offenders and predators. Creating a safe space for children is a serious challenge.

Some of the girls playing in the park will make their way to The Well and our dance program. A handful will be loved and mentored by Gabby and Cassandra. Others will be drawn into life on the streets.  There simply aren’t enough Gabbys and Cassandras to reach them all.

Seeing them reminds me of the scripture “the fields are white ….ready to harvest, but the workers are too few!.....Pray to God, the Lord of the harvest, asking Him to send more workers.”   BJM needs more staff! Who will reach out to those young girls – still innocently playing at our beautiful new neighborhood park.? Who will come to help us create a street outreach team to build relationship with LB and the hundreds of other women who need love and hope here?

The harvest fields are ripe….filled with people who need hope and love. Who need to know that Jesus sees them. That they aren’t invisible.  The workers are few.

For 2015 I am praying for more hearts (and bodies) here at BJM.  I want to see a BJM team reaching out and building relationships with women working in the neighborhood strip clubs and in prostitution on the streets.  Cassandra and Gabby would like to expand our dance and mentoring ministry with at-risk girls in the neighborhood.  Karol and Carolina would love to reach more mothers in the neighborhood…hard-working, overwhelmed Latino women….quiet, lonely refugees – often Muslim – feeling stranded in this city. And recently, a few women from “the streets” who want something better for their daughters than they experienced.

On the dining room wall at the YWAM base, two large frames hold photos of every YWAM San Francisco staff member. One space is empty, with a note, “Could this be you?”

Will you join me in prayer for that “empty space” to be filled? Volunteers are beyond wonderful. We love and depend on them. And, full-time committed staff are necessary to lead. To listen to God, envision, and create the foundation into which volunteers can come and give.

Will you pray for a woman called to use dance and movement to help traumatized women heal? For a team of women willing to love and invest in girls in this neighborhood where no child should have to live? For a few brave hearts whose eyes light up when they think about befriending, honoring, and loving women who sell their bodies in strip clubs and on the streets? 

Each new staff person must raise her own support. Will you pray and consider committing some of your long-term giving to new BJM staff?

The fields are ready for harvest. But, there just aren’t enough workers to find all the treasure God has in the Tenderloin. 

Someone’s picture belongs in the empty space in that frame in the dining room. Could it be yours?

The World is Making me Crazy....but Love Looks Like Soap and a Toothbrush

The political mess in our country is making me CRAZY. One of God's calls on my life is to care about and work for justice. And, I feel worried and afraid.

I worry about the future for my friends who live with addiction and mental illness. For the refugee children being held by the INS in Texas. For elderly and families who need food stamps.

I worry because there was yet another shooting on a college campus. One more unarmed, young, Black man shot by police. Today, I read that the newly elected Speaker of the House in Nevada (a journalist of sorts with 13 years of columns to demonstrate his personal and political opinions quite clearly) actually used the words "simple minded darkies" to describe African American Democrats and stated that "Negroes" in America were not sufficiently grateful to Whites for "ending slavery."

I cry out to God because the Church seems largely either silent or in agreement. Help me, Jesus! I don't know what to do.

And, as always, the political becomes the personal. It must. Trickle down economics doesn't work, but trickle down values do.  Unfortunately.  A missionary and gifted worship leader writes that he has a rare eye disease and will go blind without expensive medication. If the Affordable Care Act is repealed, he will be uninsured and uninsurable.

My friend Lilada - a truly stellar leader who is helping Black women find healing across the nation - is called the "N" word on the street in progressive Madison, Wisconsin.

Then, I hear that R. - a lovely, creative and brilliant young woman who loves Jesus - is told by a fellow church member who knows she is a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship that "I'd rather find my son dead in the bottom of the swimming pool than have him be gay."  Really. I'm not making this stuff up here!

Friends, I can love people in the Tenderloin. I can open my heart to women who are sober, kind and engaging one day and drunk and irrational the next. I can feel sorrow at the trauma and abuse that created the scary and emotionally broken men I see every day on these streets.  But I can't find any sane, emotionally level ground on which to stand when I look at the news and the actions and mind-sets of many political and religious leaders and of so many fellow Christians.

I want to care about what Jesus cares about - He confronted mindsets and actions that threatened and degraded women, powerful people who ignored the needs of the poor,  and religious and political leaders whose actions demonstrated racism and abuse of power. 

 It takes more energy for me to hear and process what Lilada or R.experienced than it does to spend a week in the Tenderloin. I feel powerless and exhausted. I want to feel sane and grounded. At peace. Hopeful.

I've decided to take a sabbatical from all things political until Father God tells me differently.

And, I'm going to ask all my be-loveds to consider a simple act of love in honor of my sabbatical from craziness!

This random act of kindness will, if nothing else, offer a concrete, person-to-person way to care about something Jesus cares about. Thanks to my friend Patricia, for this idea!

I invite you to host a "blessing bag" party in your house. Or small group. Or "ladies who lunch" bunch.  

How? ask people to bring hygiene and personal items and assemble bags for women or homeless vets or those panhandlers that irritate folks downtown.   Then, give them away!  Take them to your community's shelter. Call a meal program and see if you can give them away at dinner. Connect with a local ministry or rescue mission or the Salvation Army women's shelter. Make hot-pots full of hot cocoa, grab some friends and styrofoam cups, and go give them away yourself.  You know where to go...sure you do!

A San Francisco woman did this for her WEDDING SHOWER!!! No kidding...it was fabulous....Love has to look like something - and sometimes it looks like soap and a tooth brush!

Details! (suddenly I feel like lots of exclamation points are required!) !

We give out many hygiene kits every week here at Because Justice Matters in San Francisco (www.becausejusticematters.org).We've learned a few things like:

 Small sizes of items are important because many people who are homeless don't have much space and must carry every single thing with them. 

Think: 

* necessity (shampoo, soap, tooth brush and paste and tampons for women's kits...small containers of body wash are easier to keep than soap...once bar soap is wet, it's a MESS for someone who has to carry everything around....if you include bar soap, put it in a little ziploc sandwich bag to contain future wet-soap mess...) 

* body care (lotion, lip balm, hand cream) 

*weather (warm socks, sunscreen, lotions for chapped skin)

* clothing needs (underwear for women, warm socks or gloves/hat), 

*safety (a small emergency whistle, condoms, bandaids and antibiotic ointment....a little card with local phone numbers of the 24 hour domestic violence hot line, emergency help for homeless hot line) 

*food (a soft granola bar....remember many homeless people have lost teeth...a coupon for food at McDonald's or ? A little packet of hot cider or cocoa mix)

* and "you have value and we see you that way" items (nicely scented body lotion, tinted lip balm for women, make-up in a little bag at Christmas, a pair of inexpensive earrings or tiny bottle of perfume....a simple non-preachy note). 

Not ALL these things, of course, but this gives you ideas.  Purchase freezer or heavier weight ziploc bags because they don't self-destruct in someone's backpack. the cute little holiday gift bags look nice but fall apart. 

Please don't give money. Here in SF, crack costs less than $1.  

Some people bristle at the idea of including condoms. A condom could save someone's life. 

 And finally: Thanks to every one who decides to do this! Thank you thank you thank you. Please let me know what you do....it will make my heart beat faster and help me feel sane and grounded again!

 Love to you all!

 

Contrast of Love

I haven't posted much recently because my daughters - 2 of my 3 beautiful ones - had babies in July and August and somehow, my whole life turned upside-down.
Sometimes I am so undone by how beautiful and adorable and smiley and cuddly the babies are.
Those are my best times.  These girls - Blair and Maxime - are daily signs of life and hope.

But, today even the babies couldn't break through a sense of sadness as I walked in the Tenderloin and met up with people I love.

Much of this day, Saturday, I hung out in my room, enjoying the quiet and trying to get some writing done. About 6 I headed out for a walk and a burger. At 8 I trekked back to the YWAM base and home. And, felt overwhelmed with sorrow.

A drunk man, smelling of cheap liquor, stumbled across the intersection at Ellis and Mason. He politely apologized to me and staggered on.  As I got closer to our building, I saw Little Bit, Nancy and a new TL resident, Gretchen, huddled near a doorway.

“Hi mama,” Little Bit said. I greeted them and felt my heart sink.  They were all high. Little Bit uses and sells crack and, by sheer force of personality, maintains some order on her few yards of concrete territory. I didn’t have the energy to stay and talk. I wanted to cry because they are all high and I was so hopeful that getting an SRO (single room occupancy apartment) might help Little Bit to stop using.  It hasn't.

Then, I almost stumble upon Da-Rume, a lankly, articulate, fascinating soul who is sometimes male, sometimes female and sometimes transgender. Da-Rume calls me “Beauty” and always says, “I love you. How lovely to see you tonight.”  Sometimes he/she recites big, beautiful chunks of scripture. Or the lyrics to songs. Or even Shakespeare - on a good day.

Today I said “I missed you. I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks.”  Da-Rume smiled. I remembered the day I saw him/her standing between lanes of oncoming cars, singing in what may have been Italian (or nonsense….not sure) and directing traffic as if the vehicles were players in some mobile symphony.

I was truly happy to see Da-Rume. He/she is one of my favorite street people. And, I know tomorrow morning the sidewalk where Da-Rume sleeps will be a chaotic pile of refuse, food, papers, and trash. Da-Rume will spend the night smoking crack. Chaos and crack go hand-in-hand.

So, I feel overwhelmed. And sad. My grand daughters have and will have every advantage their loving parents can possibly give them. They are loved like none other. Beth and Casey and Becky and Alex have transformed from cool, fun, successful examples of our best-and-brightest into parents who are in love with their daughters beyond all reason or limit. 

 this is the way it's supposed to be.  This is the way every single child is supposed to be welcomed into the world.

But the TL is filled with people who received so little. Sometimes nothing. Often born into homes marked by poverty or violence or abandonment.  it isn't fair. it isn't right. it isn't the heart of God-not for a single moment. Tonight the streets return me to one thing I know - that I don't have any solution. I have love. I have Jesus. I have a cup of coffee or a hug to give.

So, tonight I am crying out to Jesus to come and save. Come and heal. Do a miracle in this neighborhood.  I want Him to come and make everything better. And, I want Him to, somehow, make love less painful and risk-filled.

Holy spirit said, "What if justice isn't people taking responsibility or getting what they deserve. What if it's ever increasing levels of love?

Trauma is the Big, Bad Monster Under Everybody's Bed....

 This is an article I wrote for the Because Justice Matters newsletter.
With everything that has been in the news this week - bombs, suicide, another young, unarmed, Black man shot by police, refugee children still in limbo at our borders, ISIS and Boka Haram murdering in Iraq and Nigeria...and a young, gay man who called himself Feather was beaten to death right here in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco.

I thought this might be important to say:

Trauma surrounds us. We experience it in our own lives and it attacks us vicariously through the news, our own friends and family, and daily life on the streets here in the Tenderloin.

Trauma is an attack on a woman’s soul and spirit that says you are never wanted. Never safe. Never loved. Be afraid. Trust no one.
Trauma says, "You don’t belong anywhere".

Trauma is an experience where a person’s life or well-being is threatened. They feel unsafe and powerless to find safety and live in constant fear. On an emotional level, they have been unprotected and abandoned. Their spirits are crushed when no one helps or cares.

A few months ago, the BJM team found a woman wearing only a camisole walking on Ellis Street. She didn’t know where her clothing was or whether she had been assaulted.  We were able to connect with San Francisco’s Homeless Outreach Team to at least get clothing for her.  But, clothing didn’t begin to touch her deep hole of unmet needs.

This fragile woman lives with both mental illness and addiction. One day she came to The Well. As we come to know tiny threads of her story, we see that trauma has shaped her life and left her shattered and hurt.

Daisy was raised by violent, abusive parents who forced their very young children to memorize Bible verses and fast for days on end. Her parents said Jesus demanded obedience.  She remembers beatings and stealing bread for herself and her siblings. Bruises and unhealed wounds went unnoticed by neighbors.  Teachers later said they “thought something was off” but did nothing.. Today, Daisy’s trauma lies close to the surface of her mind and emotions. A reminder of abuse can lead to explosive, pain-filled anger. Recently, she came to Nail Day in fragile, emotionally distraught condition. She cried and trembled saying, “I want to die. I can’t live with this pain one more day.”
Among the greatest challenges to Because Justice Matters ministry is responding to traumatized women and the thinking, choices, and behaviors resulting from trauma.
The most powerful tool we have to heal and restore traumatized hearts is the Presence and love of Jesus. As women experience the kindness and acceptance of our Father God, they feel less alone and afraid.
As women experience the absolute, loving acceptance of Jesus, lies of rejection and shame lose their power.
God’s Presence becomes real in relationship with us and with Father God. Healing will happen when we are willing to represent and re-present love and acceptance in our relationships with women in the Tenderloin.
Recently, BJM staff attended a healing conference where a speaker commented, “Sometimes, people must belong before they believe.”
We create places where women can belong. Where they can tell their stories and be believed and accepted. Where they can be free to express emotion and explore feelings and thoughts.
We know Jesus can heal the wounds and lies left by trauma in the lives and hearts of the Tenderloin women. The safe, always-present love of our Father God can replace the fear and trembling of trauma with rest and peace.
We have God’s tools to heal trauma. Belonging. Relationship. Love. Acceptance. Jesus Himself. And, when love replaces fear: Believing.
These tools have become central to everything we do at Because Justice Matters. Nail Day is about acceptance. A woman may not have showered for days or weeks. She may be shaky and thinking about her next fix. She may sell her body or drugs on the street. But, she is welcome. Accepted and loved.
In our groups – Bible Study, Community Group where we’re learning to hear God’s voice, or our healing art group, Art for the Heart, relationship is a focus. We extend an offer of relationship to every woman who comes. And, relationships of friendship and trust form between the women. Belonging.
Trauma is an attack on a woman’s soul and spirit that says you are never wanted. Never safe. Never loved. Be afraid. Trust no one.
Trauma says, You don’t belong anywhere.
At Because Justice Matters, relationship, love and acceptance say: You belong here! We want you. Jesus wants you.

On the Morning After Nail Day....Or, "When I finally loved myself enough, I ordered pizza with the works!"

What a week.  It's Tuesday - which might tell ya'll something!
I've been thinking about so much it feels like my head is going to explode.

First - only $200,000 more needed to meet our July 25th "get a mortgage" date.  We must prove to our landlords and their finance people that we can actually obtain a mortgage to buy our building.
We've received just shy or $1,000,000 ..... and $200K to go.

Before I write - would you consider joining us by making a financial contribution today.  Like right now?  I would LOVE to see $1000 come in from my beloveds...that's just 50 people giving $20 each (cool, isn't it?)  or 20 people giving $50 each. 

Now...Nail Day was yesterday and I'm still reeling.  We haven't had such a challenging day since ..... I can't remember when.  If there was a wilder Nail Day, I've probably blocked it out.

As we approach the purchase of the building, things are getting increasingly challenging.  I'm not surprised....and correlation isn't necessarily causation (meaning just because the events happen togther doesn't necessarily mean one causes the other).  But, we're living it nonetheless.

So, Nail Day.  We always have worship and prayer as a staff on Monday morning before this important outreach.  We've been seeing larger groups lately - 35-40 women.  Some weeks our valiant volunteer wrangler, Lisa, isn't sure on Monday morning whether we'll have enough volunteers to pull things off if 40 women show up!  But, wrangle she does....and somehow God finds the right people or someone shows up unexpectedly....or a staff person steps in to help. 

At a healing conference at Bethel Church in Redding, our staff learned that the word "Peace" Jesus spoke to calm the sea literally translates as "that peace that destroys chaos."  Lemme tell ya....we were speaking "shalom" all afternoon.  

Some women living with severe mental illness were openly distraught and agitated. We had to speak with one of our precious jewels, M, at the door saying, "We love you. And you cannot scream in here. No screaming or we'll have to ask you to leave."    Another beloved one, D. was assaulted (we think) and has been angry and talking violent nonsense since last week.  In the door she strides saying, "I was 19 and they took the baby out of me. I should have had the right to have a baby but they did it. They killed her at the abortion clinic."  Then, she took a seat, accepted a cup of coffee and cookies and sat silent for the next half hour.

Shalom!..... Jesus!

The atmosphere was charged and it felt as if the room were tilting at a precarious angle.  Too loud.  My so-loved K arrived like a middle school "class clown" working the room. Look at me!  See my new hat with the cool sequins. Please tell me you like it. Please notice I'm here....

When I had to say, "Sweetie, D and M are in bad shape today. I can't talk with you now.  Things are pretty fragile today for some reason, K. understood. Yet, I saw disappointment in her eyes.  K loves Jesus.  She protects and helps everyone.  I've seen her "clown" to dispel erupting violence.  Yet, she, too wants that undivided attention that says I see you. You are important!   Gotta take a "field trip" - just the two of us - to Super Duper burger soon.  I love this girl!

Three women took staff aside to say, "I"m not doing very well. I need help."  One kept telling and re-telling the story of being yelled at and wanting to "punch somebody."  Another said, "I need a hug. I want to die again...help me... this never ends."   A third took gentle, kind Lisa aside and confided that flashbacks of past violence were becoming overwhelming.  Crushing and terrifying.

And meanwhile...Nail Day rumbled on...

This week we'd made some plans ahead of time.  I agreed to speak with a woman who has been coming for nearly a year. As she feels more comfortable she has been telling more and more of her story - past and present - to young interns and volunteers. The problem is - the details of her sexually and physically violent past and her current journey into sexual chaos was described by one of the more mature volunteers as "far more dark and twisted than I could imagine."

Having a safe, accepting place (and people) to tell your story is a precious, healing, powerful gift.  To tell the truth and be believed.  Imagine how someone trapped in confusion and chaos feels when someone standing on the rock of Jesus invites them to crawl out of the shark-waters and sit beside them...and just listens without judgment or shaming.  (Thank you, Juli Tesmer, for this powerful image!)

We don't judge. We aren't at Nail Day as counselors. We listen, love, accept and pray.  Jesus comes. He listens and loves.

However, this woman's stories passed the boundary of "WAY too much information" and speeded toward the cliff of "shock and awe" that violated others minds and spirits.  Sometimes when I hear stories of dark perversion or demonic, self-abuse, I need to hand what I hear over to Jesus moment-by-moment.  I joke about pouring bleach onto my brain sometimes....  For a 20 year old intern raised in a Christian home who has never even had a serious boyfriend....well, you get the picture.  Help me, Jesus!

I prayed.  Father, how do I approach her? What can I say that won't condemn and shame?  

The only nudge from Father I had was to "invite" rather than "confront."  I mulled over Danny Silk's wisdom about punishment....that Jesus took the punishment for our wrongdoing.  That punishing doesn't produce change.  But, love and "inviting people to become who they were made to be" does.

I kept having to remind myself to breathe!  What do you say to someone who has pretty much violated any socially-accepted boundary about what's okay to share and what's not?   Help me, Jesus (again)!

Right away, she said "Am I in trouble?"    I said, "I don't believe in trouble. I want to ask for your help."

God didn't leave me hanging. Somehow, words formed and came out of my mouth....to communicate BOTH that I value this woman's courage to speak truthfully about her life and experiences. And, to invite her to help me protect the younger staff, interns and volunteers from information that "could" be "too much too soon" for them. 

This woman lives with pain and confusion every minute of every day.  Yet, she was able to put aside her own pain and need to be heard when she understood that "the kids" were being overwhelmed by her story.

I said, "Sometimes, the kids ask questions because they care about you, but the answers to those questions are more than they are able to understand or process.....Would you help me by protecting them from information they aren't ready to hear?"

She nodded. "I can do that."

Now, I suspect this won't be our last conversation on this sensitive topic. But, now I sense I have an ally.  And, she feels valued, not condemned.  I may need some more "brain bleaching" before it's all said and done. But, God is doing something in and with this woman's life.  And in my life, too.

Love really is more powerful than punishment!  People really DO change when someone believes in them more than when someone punishes them!  It really IS God's kindness that brings us to repentance and change!  (Who would have thought! What a radical idea!)

So, as Nail Day ended, V. was angry because I couldn't talk with her. A. wanted to let us all know she had changed her name (again). L wandered in, desperate to use the bathroom, and my precious S  promised me, once again, that she wouldn't harm herself...that I would see her alive tomorrow.  She accepted one last hug for the road.  

Finally, one beautiful, gentle woman quietly asked us to call 911....she was feeling so fragile and volatile that she feared she would hurt herself or someone else.  She needed the safety of the psych ward at San Francisco General.   Still, I felt fury and pain as the officers (appropriately and necessarily...but... )  handcuffed this beloved woman and led her to the police car.  Some of our women called out to her, "You're gonna be all right.  We care about you."

We debriefed, prayed, and collapsed as the last volunteer left the Ellis Room.  Often we joke about needing "wine, chocolate and sleep" after Nail Day.  Yesterday, I wanted pizza....carbs, fat, salt and lots of it.  Delivered to my door. With soda to drink.  Cold with lots of ice. Probably Coke.... help me Jesus!

So my friend Rianne and I ordered thin-and-crispy crust with the works.  Delivery. We sat in my little room and laughed and talked.  My heart started beating at a steady rate again...

Nail Day was over.  Jesus is still here in the Tenderloin.  The rest of the week is still waiting to unfold.

Love others as you love yourself. Never thought about it this way before...

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. The whole "buy our building" adventure has been exciting, exhausting, and challenging.  YWAM San Francisco battled through to get our offer accepted by the landlord to purchase the property.  However, pressure from developers who have cash to offer has resulted in a real Mt. Everest challenge:  If we can't prove we can get a mortgage by July 25, the landlord will accept the developers' cash offer.  That means we must come up with 30% down payment because the only lender that will give us a mortgage in that short time requires 30%.  
This means we must raise $400,000 in the next 3 weeks!
Of course the developers know this.  Of course, they assume since they have money, they can press us into a time-crunch corner and we won't be able to complete the purchase. 
They have finances.  We have faith.  They have money and lots of it.  We have Jesus.

So, please join us praying for a miracle....a small one in God. $400K by July 25th!  Like I said, they just have money. WE have Jesus.

NOW...to the reason for this blog post:   

A friend called in crisis the other morning.  Tough times.

In the midst of the back-and-forth I commented, "God says to love others as we love ourselves....so if we aren't loving ourselves, we're not loving others either."  I used the old therapist illustration of putting your oxygen mask on first in an airplane....so you won't pass out from lack of oxygen and not be able to help your child or neighbor or whomever put their oxygen mask on...

suddenly I had one of those "flash photo" moments when I saw a new thing. Clearly.  It was such a new idea that I almost wanted to hold my head really still....like any movement would somehow shake the idea out of my head and I wouldn't be able to catch it again.

Yeah...well maybe I'm the only person who has those "stop..don't breathe...I don't want to lose this thought" moments.   Maybe it's just a touch of adult ADHD combined with a brain that sometimes races on ahead of my actual capacity to remember stuff!

I realized that "Love others AS you love yourself" can have two beautifully different meanings.  Two windows through which we can see and Do love.  We are to love others in the same way as we love ourselves.  And, at the same time....while....we love ourselves, we will love others.

first, We are to love others in the same way we love ourselves.  If we are stingy and critical and withholding kindness to ourselves we're in trouble there.  If Jesus lives in us, our hearts want to love others in the same way He loves.  Generous.  Affirming and accepting. Radically lavishing kindness

We want to love that way.  So, Jesus says, in essence, "If you want to love others, you need to love yourself the same way. " 

Now, some of us have heard judgmental-type sermons saying "Because we're all so self-centered and selfish that, of course we love ourselves, Jesus is saying, "If you want to be generous and forgiving and kind to yourself, you have to treat other people that way first"......Nope.... 

He really is saying "I want you to love yourself and to love others in the same way."

BUT, in the middle of the conversation with my friend, the flashbulb flashed in my brain.  Wait...

"AS you love yourself" can mean two different things.  One, "in the same way."  the second is
"while or at the same time."

I started thinking...."What if at the moment I am loving myself....while I am treating myself with kindness or gentle acceptance or generous affirmation I will automatically being loving toward others?"   What if loving others is a natural, spontaneous, outgrowth of loving myself?

If I love myself I "build up, not tear down"....(Ephesians 4:29).  When I treat myself like Jesus treats me....I am built up.  When I am stingy, critical, self-punishing, unkind to MYSELF, I tear myself down.

When I start focusing on "building up" my strengths instead of "fixing" my weaknesses.  When I love myself.....

Then, what comes out of me toward others? 

What if loving myself will automatically make me more loving toward others?

Now, I immediately heard this religious voice in my head. that "healthy skepticism" that used to live full-time (and rent-free) in my mind. And now still makes periodic visits until I kick it out again.
that voice said, "All this loving yourself stuff sounds like an excuse to be self-serving and selfish.  After all, aren't we supposed to "count others as more important than yourself?"

Then I remembered my pastor Paul saying "it's all about relationship." And Danny Silk saying "religion wants rules. Love wants relationship."      

Can I be self-serving and selfish?  Of course?    If you never are, please let me know...I'll come and follow you around to figure out how you do it!

BUT, I am in a love relationship with Jesus.  HE is alive and loving and doing good stuff in me.

That skeptic voice would have me believe that my tendency to be selfish is stronger than the power of His love to make my heart soft. That my weakness is stronger than His power to love me until I want to be like Him instead of selfish and self-serving!

So....every morning I walk down the stairs from my room at the YWAM building.  In the span of windows above one of our entry doors, I see the line of homeless people waiting for breakfast at GLIDE church. I see some of our women - tired from a long night on the streets - standing in line.

I'm deciding to remind myself, as I walk down those stairs each morning:
"I want to love others in the same way I love myself." 
     
 And "While I am loving myself, I will actually love others in the process."

For a number of years I've been trying to learn to love myself.  I'm getting better at it. that religious skeptic voice no longer lives full-time in my head. 

 But now, I'm doing an experiment with self-love.  Speaking affirming words about myself.   Accepting myself with grace instead of judgement.  Encouraging myself.  Speaking words that build myself up instead of tear myself down.

It's an experiment to see how this changes the ways I love others!