Thinking today about a challenging balance...truth-speaking and speaking for myself.
Like one of my heroes Danny Silk says: I manage me. You manage you. I don't try to manage you. I don't let you manage me.
This has been a foundation stone of my growth in boundary setting (from pretty much no boundaries ever to generally sane boundaries most of the time!).
"I don't try to manage you".....The principle of not speaking for others who are perfectly able to speak for themselves. Not speaking as if I know who someone else is, what they should do and why.
How do I balance this with the principle of truth-speaking with a loving attitude and intention?
here's my unfinished, in-process thinking: Jesus rarely told anyone what to do. He taught principles. Told stories with hidden treasures inside that could help someone change their way of thinking and seeing.
He also spoke truth to the controlling religious leaders of his time. he wasn't afraid to say, "No. That's not what love looks like" or "You put burdens on the shoulders of the people and don't do a thing to help them."
Realize that "managing me" means I speak for myself, not for others. When I speak only for myself, I don't "get" to be "right." I only get to take responsibility for myself. Darn! I want to be "right." (Whining ensues...I should get to be right because I think alot. So much more than those "other" people. Or because I'm all about justice. Or because....")
Because I'm not Jesus - I'm only me...sometimes volatile and reactive....sometimes thoughtful..sometimes not....do I ever really speak "truth"? Do I even know it?
Is it enough for me to do my best with the whole "light shining" thing and trust that Truth will be visible if I'm living it?
How can I learn to love and speak truth? To manage me and love others. To give up being right and still desire my life and words to reflect Truth?
Thinking a lot wears me out. I need lunch. Possibly a doughnut.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
"I love you, but just stop talking"
today I stopped at Trader Joe's after church. Groceries after the YWAM retreat last week. Lugging them into the YWAM base where I live, I see Karin across the street. She comes to Nail Day often. We always talk and pray and laugh. She has lived with alcoholism and drug addiction for ??? years. But, recently, she's been sober. it took weeks and weeks for her to emerge from the fog. Each week, more of her real self emerged. The angry, defensive, fearful street person began to soften. An artist was hiding in there. A storyteller - sometimes the stories were hair-raisers, but she told them with such passion.... A few weeks ago she was wearing the coolest ensemble. A little hippie, a little ethnic coolness. I loved it. Today, she was across the street. High. Drunk. Her possessions strewn across the sidewalk. She's somehow lost any suitcase or bag or container. She fumbled about, making piles of clothes....a bag of chips. A sweatshirt. Some Clorox wipes. The detritus of life on the streets. Were these her earthly possessions?
At the door of the base, LB, my favorite, much beloved crack dealer, said, "She's an alcoholic. She's at it again." I nodded. She was right you know. But, I headed across the street. Asked Karin if I could bring her some tote bags to put her stuff in. She held on to me with a surprisingly strong grip. "Pray, mama." We prayed. I've been meditating on the Truth that God is bigger. Bigger than the Tenderloin. Bigger than addiction. Bigger than strip clubs or prostitution or poverty. Bigger than mental illness or violence. HE is bigger and I trust HIM to save us. I started to declare these things, over and over. Prayed in tongues for awhile, when the hurt in my heart got really burning hot. Then, went back to declaring that OUR GOD IS BIGGER.
Later, I asked where she was sleeping tonight. She pointed to the sidewalk. I mentioned a women's shelter. She began a convoluted story....because of disease and inability to clean sinks after each use, she said they ask women to spit their toothpaste into the toilet. She could not accept this indignity. She refused to "be treated like that....like I should put my face near a disgusting toilet."
Now, I knew the shelter's motivation was sanitary - or Karin had misunderstood....but i kept my peace. She explained "That's why I don't want to be near anybody. I want everybody to leave me alone."
Then, like I had no more sense than a muggle, I asked if she wanted me to call the Homeless Outreach Team. I was thinking blankets maybe...or a shelter bed if she could endure it. She exploded. "Aren't you listening? Doesn't anyone listen? I SAID I don't want to be near anybody." She began to pull her hair. Distraught. I apologized. "Just stop Don't talk, mama." Then, her eyes cleared for a moment. "I love you, but just don't talk." I nodded. Sorry that I had upset her. She nodded. I walked away.
Perhaps she'll come to nail day tomorrow. I'm going to keep an eye out for her...maybe take her hot coffee in the morning if she's there. Look out for her in the afternoon as Nail Day approaches.
Pray for Karin. For this lovely, fashionista, artist and storyteller. for her desire to be sober and the literal, not symbolic demons that block her at every turn. I bless her for being gracious when I spoke out of turn. When i didn't LISTEN. for loving me and being honest enough to tell me to stop talking.
When I see her next, she will love and welcome me with open arms. She will forgive me for talking too much and not listening when she said she couldn't stand to be near anyone in a shelter. And, she will apologize - probably many times - for being high and yelling. And we will hold each other.....I will say - maybe silently, maybe not - that our God is bigger than addiction, Bigger than relapse. Bigger than panic attacks and fear and rage. Bigger than me talking when i should have just listened.
Our God is bigger. What we see with our eyes in temporal. What God speaks is ETERNAL.
Hoping today. Love will win.
At the door of the base, LB, my favorite, much beloved crack dealer, said, "She's an alcoholic. She's at it again." I nodded. She was right you know. But, I headed across the street. Asked Karin if I could bring her some tote bags to put her stuff in. She held on to me with a surprisingly strong grip. "Pray, mama." We prayed. I've been meditating on the Truth that God is bigger. Bigger than the Tenderloin. Bigger than addiction. Bigger than strip clubs or prostitution or poverty. Bigger than mental illness or violence. HE is bigger and I trust HIM to save us. I started to declare these things, over and over. Prayed in tongues for awhile, when the hurt in my heart got really burning hot. Then, went back to declaring that OUR GOD IS BIGGER.
Later, I asked where she was sleeping tonight. She pointed to the sidewalk. I mentioned a women's shelter. She began a convoluted story....because of disease and inability to clean sinks after each use, she said they ask women to spit their toothpaste into the toilet. She could not accept this indignity. She refused to "be treated like that....like I should put my face near a disgusting toilet."
Now, I knew the shelter's motivation was sanitary - or Karin had misunderstood....but i kept my peace. She explained "That's why I don't want to be near anybody. I want everybody to leave me alone."
Then, like I had no more sense than a muggle, I asked if she wanted me to call the Homeless Outreach Team. I was thinking blankets maybe...or a shelter bed if she could endure it. She exploded. "Aren't you listening? Doesn't anyone listen? I SAID I don't want to be near anybody." She began to pull her hair. Distraught. I apologized. "Just stop Don't talk, mama." Then, her eyes cleared for a moment. "I love you, but just don't talk." I nodded. Sorry that I had upset her. She nodded. I walked away.
Perhaps she'll come to nail day tomorrow. I'm going to keep an eye out for her...maybe take her hot coffee in the morning if she's there. Look out for her in the afternoon as Nail Day approaches.
Pray for Karin. For this lovely, fashionista, artist and storyteller. for her desire to be sober and the literal, not symbolic demons that block her at every turn. I bless her for being gracious when I spoke out of turn. When i didn't LISTEN. for loving me and being honest enough to tell me to stop talking.
When I see her next, she will love and welcome me with open arms. She will forgive me for talking too much and not listening when she said she couldn't stand to be near anyone in a shelter. And, she will apologize - probably many times - for being high and yelling. And we will hold each other.....I will say - maybe silently, maybe not - that our God is bigger than addiction, Bigger than relapse. Bigger than panic attacks and fear and rage. Bigger than me talking when i should have just listened.
Our God is bigger. What we see with our eyes in temporal. What God speaks is ETERNAL.
Hoping today. Love will win.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)