Choice, Consent, and Abuse

Thinking about “ choice”

So, recently we all saw, heard or participated in a bit of hullaballoo about the Fifty Shades of Gray film.

I won’t dissect the books and movie here except to say it is a story of abuse, control, gaslighting (look that one up if you don’t know it), mind games, manipulation and false views of love, intimacy, choice and consent.  As one reviewer said, “If [the male protagonist/abuser] lived in a shack instead of a penthouse, this wouldn’t be a feature film, it’d be a plot for Criminal Minds!”

Some brilliant somebody suggested that, instead of paying $ to see porn masquerading as story, we all boycott the flick and donate to our local domestic violence shelter instead.

I cheered.  Good idea!

Then, something happened that really threw me off the bridge.  A Christian leader I respect - who recently risked a lot to write a book confronting traditional evangelical views barring women from positions of leadership in the Church - posted on his Facebook page the

 suggestion that people not donate to domestic violence shelters but INSTEAD to ministries fighting sex trafficking. Why? Because, he wrote, trafficked women “don’t have any choice.”

I read the words. Twice. I realized I wasn’t breathing. I felt shocked. As if I had been slapped.

I took a mental step backward. Perhaps this Christian leader didn’t fully understand what he was saying. Did he really believe that women who experienced domestic violence CHOOSE to be abused?

Yet, as I read and re-read his words I couldn’t understand them any other way…he clearly communicated that donations would be better given to anti-trafficking work than to domestic violence shelters. He suggested donors could be certain no woman helped by a sex trafficking ministry had “chosen” to be a victim.  The unspoken communication was, of course, that women in domestic violence shelters may have chosen to be abused.

So, I need to write – and this writing and reading community needs to dialogue – about choice. And consent. And women. And Domestic Violence.

CHOICE is a decision freely made. Without coercion, force, or fraud. Without fear and confusion, manipulation or control.

Choice must include:

            * viable, real options to choose between
            * sufficient power that one’s decision has impact on the situation
            * ABILITY to understand, evaluate, and choose between available options
            * CAPACITY – emotional, spiritual, mental or intellectual – strength
            * safety, access to survival resources (food, $$, shelter, protection)
            * physical and emotional freedom to choose

I believe that, in the absence of any of these components, a woman is not freely making a real choice. When abuse, coercion, threats or emotional/mental manipulation create fear, loss of confidence, and loss of identity, self-worth and value, real choice simply doesn’t happen. 

“But she stayed” we often hear.  I wonder if that idea influenced the Christian leader who seems to believe trafficked women don’t “choose” but women in domestic violence do?

A woman may stay in an abusive relationship. In reality, research shows women who leave actually plan to leave an average of 7 times before they either succeed, give up, or are murdered. Why? Because leaving requires resources, confidence, money, safe opportunity, and support – before, during and after. Many women CHOOSE to leave, TRY to leave, and end up staying because they can’t get “everything” together.

Women stay because they are afraid. They have reason to be afraid because they have been battered, threatened, injured and controlled. They fear their partner will harm, kidnap or kill them, their pets, family and friends, or their children. Fear is not choice.

They stay because they have been taught in church that marriage is forever and they should go back, pray, and try again. Religious control is not choice.  

They stay because they have no money, no job history, or little education. They fear they can’t support themselves. Lack of survival resources is not choice.

They stay because they hope that maybe – this time – his promises to change are true. Believing a lie is not the same thing as choosing to be abused.

A dear, wise and beloved friend who escaped a physically and emotionally abusive relationship says it was and is important to not see herself as a helpless victim. She wrote, “I did make choices – not always good ones, but I made them.”  What we both understood in the resulting conversation was that she did choose to try again….or to accept unacceptable behavior….or to believe his claims that “it would never happen again.”  She did choose to stay until she finally chose to leave.  However, what she never chose was to be abused.

So, Fifty Shades of Gray has had its day. This week I heard the first news story of a death resulting from some foolish person trying to duplicate what he saw on the movie screen.

I hope Domestic Violence shelters saw an increase in donations. I hope the leader I respect – and anyone else in need of “new thinking” – comes to see choices and the women who make them with new eyes.