Home-making

this weekend I put together a chair and ottoman from ikea.  The pictures-only directions didn't help me much.  There was muttering, outcries, and a couple of less-than-presentable terms used.  In the end, I did what I didn't think the directions were saying and finally got the parts attached to the right other parts - facing the right directions.  Now, Im sitting in this comfy chair with my feet up.

I ordered a twin mattress, bookshelf, and a second chair.  Once the mattress arrived, I got rid of the full-sized bed that took up (no kidding) half my little room.  Rolled out the beautiful wool rug I brought from madison.  Some special items - beautiful cobalt blue glass balls in a bowl.  An art tile of a woman with auburn hair. An earth-toned tray with beveled glass center.   All these things now reside in my little space.

It is becoming a home.  A safe place of r & r for me.  A welcoming, warm place where my daughter Beth visited. We ate sushi and talked.  Home.

I am so grateful for this place.  I know God brought me here and I don't take it for granted that I have this space.

This month one of the women who comes to Nail Day every single week was in trouble. She was afraid she might harm herself and checked into a hospital. BJM staff were the people she listed as "emergency contacts" - she had no one else.  BJM is her family.  Her address?  a shelter for women in the Tenderloin. This is one meaning of the word "homeless"....to be truly without a home. Someone else's address used as a temporary fill-in-the-blank for social services or medical providers.

Another woman showed up recently in San Francisco. She is paranoid, often roams from topic to topic in conversation, and seems "stuck" in painful memories of the past.   Those memories are a kind of "home" for her. She returns to them when she feels afraid. She hopes that their resolution might stop the emotional pain.  She comes to the women's center on Tuesday and Wednesday. To nail day every Monday.  Because Justice Matters and the women's center has become a sanctuary for her.  A home, of sorts.

Because Justice Matters isn't a "big result" program. Our numbers aren't large.  Our impact is small and personal.  It is all about relationships.  One-on-one.  Small groups seated around a table.  5 or 6 cups and a pot of hot coffee.

I want to learn how to open my heart to help create a home for women.  To make space and time in my life for relationships that really mean something. That offer safety. Knowing and being known.
Relationships. Family. Home. 

wake my spirit!

What a week! Last week I was in Redding attending the international Sozo Summit, racing to spend a morning talking with Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry students about BJM and ministry in the Tenderloin.  Then, more summit stuff and home to finish the week.

This week has been a front row seat to the amazing courage, dignity, and God-hunger of the women who come to BJM.  A week when I feel honored to even be in the room!

The women who come to The Well are hungry to know God.  5 women came to our Wednesday bible study about domestic violence.  Thursday 3 more came to a group called Breaking Free. 
to hear these women share honestly about issues in their lives instead of hide those struggles to look good to others. 

A isn't at all sure about Jesus.  God....sort of.  But Jesus?  The jury is still out.  Yet, I heard A pray for another woman with such compassion and gentleness and TRUST in God.   A gathered faith from every corner of the heart to say "God, here's my friend. She needs a miracle. You are the only one we can trust."

I feel like Im in the school of "I can't'  much of the time.  Where, if God doesn't show up and keep His promises, I am helpless to make any difference.  I often feel as if I'm closing my eyes and saying, "God, I'm trusting you here...."   The women I'm supposed to be "helping" then are the ones who affirm that God can be counted on.  That nothing is too hard for him.

Early in the week, J  feared she might harm herself.  She did exactly the right thing - and BJM received a call saying she was safe but pretty fragile.

When LIndsay and Lisa went to visit J wanted prayer.  She wanted God to help with nightmares and PTSD flashbacks.  And, this courageous little person willingly forgave someone who hurt and harmed her terribly.  The person responsible for those flashbacks and nightmares.  God spoke so gently and with so much love right into the hurt and harm.  Right into her wounded heart. 

Another person has learned to listen to God in every situation.  Week after week over coffee, S. has been practicing the discipline of saying, "Father, what do you say?.....What do you want me to know?"  Choosing God's ways in small things and large.  Choosing.....and changing.

An opportunity came suddenly to S.  A sudden move now seemed possible. After waiting a long time to leave the Tenderloin for "something better....anything better...a healthy place full of healthy people..."    S. really wanted to go.  YWAM friends asked...are you going back to old patterns of impulsive decision making?   But, S has changed SO much in the past year. S said, "I can do this. I've grown a lot. I'm not the person I was."

That is absolutely true.  Yet, S was encouraged to "ask Dad" before making this major life decision.
Today I got a call. S. was at the door of the women's center. Could I talk a minute?

S.'s eyes filled with tears.  S. spoke about the dream of leaving the Tenderloin and making a new life "someplace with clean streets and healthy people."   The opportunity to relocate seemed perfect.
But, during the previous night, S said, "I saw Jesus. He took me into a little room and closed the door. He said, "We need to talk."   

Jesus said, "Not now."  He told S. that God could bless regardless of S's decision, but leaving now wasn't God's first choice.

S. confessed to feeling angry with God. Deeply sad. Afraid the dream might never happen.
And, I was filled with admiration and JOY as S said, "I am staying. I want God's best.  I still feel angry and sad and disappointed. But I want God more."

S is becoming more and more like Jesus - who "only did what He saw His Father in heaven doing."  J is becoming more like Jesus - forgiving even when the wrongdoer never apologized or even recognized the pain and harm they'd caused.  Choosing to say, I forgive.  A. keeps moving closer and closer to this beautiful, infinitely kind Jesus whose love and words are so challenging and off the charts.  I believe her heart wants what her heart wants - And, in spite of all the avoiding and re-framing and trying to keep from loving Him, His love keeps drawing her back.    Soon and very soon!

so. What a week in the TL.  Outside the women's center, there was an awful fight that left pools of blood on the sidewalk.  The long lines of elderly folks waiting for the Thursday food pantry are annoying the neighbors and creating a safety hazard. The police are annoyed.  Rats   got into the basement maintenance room.   Yesterday, a disheveled man looked up from the sidewalk and smiled at me - just as he licked his skin (poor man's alcohol swab) and jabbed a needle into his arm.  I saw a young woman standing next to her pimp. she rocked a stroller holding a sweet, round-faced baby named Rain .  Jesus, come and save!  You are our only hope!

And, meanwhile, A was praying with compassion. J was forgiving terrible wrongs. And S was choosing God even when every emotion was pain and loss.

LIke I said. This was a week of courage and beauty in the Tenderloin.  I'm honored just being in the room!