On the Morning After Nail Day....Or, "When I finally loved myself enough, I ordered pizza with the works!"

What a week.  It's Tuesday - which might tell ya'll something!
I've been thinking about so much it feels like my head is going to explode.

First - only $200,000 more needed to meet our July 25th "get a mortgage" date.  We must prove to our landlords and their finance people that we can actually obtain a mortgage to buy our building.
We've received just shy or $1,000,000 ..... and $200K to go.

Before I write - would you consider joining us by making a financial contribution today.  Like right now?  I would LOVE to see $1000 come in from my beloveds...that's just 50 people giving $20 each (cool, isn't it?)  or 20 people giving $50 each. 

Now...Nail Day was yesterday and I'm still reeling.  We haven't had such a challenging day since ..... I can't remember when.  If there was a wilder Nail Day, I've probably blocked it out.

As we approach the purchase of the building, things are getting increasingly challenging.  I'm not surprised....and correlation isn't necessarily causation (meaning just because the events happen togther doesn't necessarily mean one causes the other).  But, we're living it nonetheless.

So, Nail Day.  We always have worship and prayer as a staff on Monday morning before this important outreach.  We've been seeing larger groups lately - 35-40 women.  Some weeks our valiant volunteer wrangler, Lisa, isn't sure on Monday morning whether we'll have enough volunteers to pull things off if 40 women show up!  But, wrangle she does....and somehow God finds the right people or someone shows up unexpectedly....or a staff person steps in to help. 

At a healing conference at Bethel Church in Redding, our staff learned that the word "Peace" Jesus spoke to calm the sea literally translates as "that peace that destroys chaos."  Lemme tell ya....we were speaking "shalom" all afternoon.  

Some women living with severe mental illness were openly distraught and agitated. We had to speak with one of our precious jewels, M, at the door saying, "We love you. And you cannot scream in here. No screaming or we'll have to ask you to leave."    Another beloved one, D. was assaulted (we think) and has been angry and talking violent nonsense since last week.  In the door she strides saying, "I was 19 and they took the baby out of me. I should have had the right to have a baby but they did it. They killed her at the abortion clinic."  Then, she took a seat, accepted a cup of coffee and cookies and sat silent for the next half hour.

Shalom!..... Jesus!

The atmosphere was charged and it felt as if the room were tilting at a precarious angle.  Too loud.  My so-loved K arrived like a middle school "class clown" working the room. Look at me!  See my new hat with the cool sequins. Please tell me you like it. Please notice I'm here....

When I had to say, "Sweetie, D and M are in bad shape today. I can't talk with you now.  Things are pretty fragile today for some reason, K. understood. Yet, I saw disappointment in her eyes.  K loves Jesus.  She protects and helps everyone.  I've seen her "clown" to dispel erupting violence.  Yet, she, too wants that undivided attention that says I see you. You are important!   Gotta take a "field trip" - just the two of us - to Super Duper burger soon.  I love this girl!

Three women took staff aside to say, "I"m not doing very well. I need help."  One kept telling and re-telling the story of being yelled at and wanting to "punch somebody."  Another said, "I need a hug. I want to die again...help me... this never ends."   A third took gentle, kind Lisa aside and confided that flashbacks of past violence were becoming overwhelming.  Crushing and terrifying.

And meanwhile...Nail Day rumbled on...

This week we'd made some plans ahead of time.  I agreed to speak with a woman who has been coming for nearly a year. As she feels more comfortable she has been telling more and more of her story - past and present - to young interns and volunteers. The problem is - the details of her sexually and physically violent past and her current journey into sexual chaos was described by one of the more mature volunteers as "far more dark and twisted than I could imagine."

Having a safe, accepting place (and people) to tell your story is a precious, healing, powerful gift.  To tell the truth and be believed.  Imagine how someone trapped in confusion and chaos feels when someone standing on the rock of Jesus invites them to crawl out of the shark-waters and sit beside them...and just listens without judgment or shaming.  (Thank you, Juli Tesmer, for this powerful image!)

We don't judge. We aren't at Nail Day as counselors. We listen, love, accept and pray.  Jesus comes. He listens and loves.

However, this woman's stories passed the boundary of "WAY too much information" and speeded toward the cliff of "shock and awe" that violated others minds and spirits.  Sometimes when I hear stories of dark perversion or demonic, self-abuse, I need to hand what I hear over to Jesus moment-by-moment.  I joke about pouring bleach onto my brain sometimes....  For a 20 year old intern raised in a Christian home who has never even had a serious boyfriend....well, you get the picture.  Help me, Jesus!

I prayed.  Father, how do I approach her? What can I say that won't condemn and shame?  

The only nudge from Father I had was to "invite" rather than "confront."  I mulled over Danny Silk's wisdom about punishment....that Jesus took the punishment for our wrongdoing.  That punishing doesn't produce change.  But, love and "inviting people to become who they were made to be" does.

I kept having to remind myself to breathe!  What do you say to someone who has pretty much violated any socially-accepted boundary about what's okay to share and what's not?   Help me, Jesus (again)!

Right away, she said "Am I in trouble?"    I said, "I don't believe in trouble. I want to ask for your help."

God didn't leave me hanging. Somehow, words formed and came out of my mouth....to communicate BOTH that I value this woman's courage to speak truthfully about her life and experiences. And, to invite her to help me protect the younger staff, interns and volunteers from information that "could" be "too much too soon" for them. 

This woman lives with pain and confusion every minute of every day.  Yet, she was able to put aside her own pain and need to be heard when she understood that "the kids" were being overwhelmed by her story.

I said, "Sometimes, the kids ask questions because they care about you, but the answers to those questions are more than they are able to understand or process.....Would you help me by protecting them from information they aren't ready to hear?"

She nodded. "I can do that."

Now, I suspect this won't be our last conversation on this sensitive topic. But, now I sense I have an ally.  And, she feels valued, not condemned.  I may need some more "brain bleaching" before it's all said and done. But, God is doing something in and with this woman's life.  And in my life, too.

Love really is more powerful than punishment!  People really DO change when someone believes in them more than when someone punishes them!  It really IS God's kindness that brings us to repentance and change!  (Who would have thought! What a radical idea!)

So, as Nail Day ended, V. was angry because I couldn't talk with her. A. wanted to let us all know she had changed her name (again). L wandered in, desperate to use the bathroom, and my precious S  promised me, once again, that she wouldn't harm herself...that I would see her alive tomorrow.  She accepted one last hug for the road.  

Finally, one beautiful, gentle woman quietly asked us to call 911....she was feeling so fragile and volatile that she feared she would hurt herself or someone else.  She needed the safety of the psych ward at San Francisco General.   Still, I felt fury and pain as the officers (appropriately and necessarily...but... )  handcuffed this beloved woman and led her to the police car.  Some of our women called out to her, "You're gonna be all right.  We care about you."

We debriefed, prayed, and collapsed as the last volunteer left the Ellis Room.  Often we joke about needing "wine, chocolate and sleep" after Nail Day.  Yesterday, I wanted pizza....carbs, fat, salt and lots of it.  Delivered to my door. With soda to drink.  Cold with lots of ice. Probably Coke.... help me Jesus!

So my friend Rianne and I ordered thin-and-crispy crust with the works.  Delivery. We sat in my little room and laughed and talked.  My heart started beating at a steady rate again...

Nail Day was over.  Jesus is still here in the Tenderloin.  The rest of the week is still waiting to unfold.

Love others as you love yourself. Never thought about it this way before...

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. The whole "buy our building" adventure has been exciting, exhausting, and challenging.  YWAM San Francisco battled through to get our offer accepted by the landlord to purchase the property.  However, pressure from developers who have cash to offer has resulted in a real Mt. Everest challenge:  If we can't prove we can get a mortgage by July 25, the landlord will accept the developers' cash offer.  That means we must come up with 30% down payment because the only lender that will give us a mortgage in that short time requires 30%.  
This means we must raise $400,000 in the next 3 weeks!
Of course the developers know this.  Of course, they assume since they have money, they can press us into a time-crunch corner and we won't be able to complete the purchase. 
They have finances.  We have faith.  They have money and lots of it.  We have Jesus.

So, please join us praying for a miracle....a small one in God. $400K by July 25th!  Like I said, they just have money. WE have Jesus.

NOW...to the reason for this blog post:   

A friend called in crisis the other morning.  Tough times.

In the midst of the back-and-forth I commented, "God says to love others as we love ourselves....so if we aren't loving ourselves, we're not loving others either."  I used the old therapist illustration of putting your oxygen mask on first in an airplane....so you won't pass out from lack of oxygen and not be able to help your child or neighbor or whomever put their oxygen mask on...

suddenly I had one of those "flash photo" moments when I saw a new thing. Clearly.  It was such a new idea that I almost wanted to hold my head really still....like any movement would somehow shake the idea out of my head and I wouldn't be able to catch it again.

Yeah...well maybe I'm the only person who has those "stop..don't breathe...I don't want to lose this thought" moments.   Maybe it's just a touch of adult ADHD combined with a brain that sometimes races on ahead of my actual capacity to remember stuff!

I realized that "Love others AS you love yourself" can have two beautifully different meanings.  Two windows through which we can see and Do love.  We are to love others in the same way as we love ourselves.  And, at the same time....while....we love ourselves, we will love others.

first, We are to love others in the same way we love ourselves.  If we are stingy and critical and withholding kindness to ourselves we're in trouble there.  If Jesus lives in us, our hearts want to love others in the same way He loves.  Generous.  Affirming and accepting. Radically lavishing kindness

We want to love that way.  So, Jesus says, in essence, "If you want to love others, you need to love yourself the same way. " 

Now, some of us have heard judgmental-type sermons saying "Because we're all so self-centered and selfish that, of course we love ourselves, Jesus is saying, "If you want to be generous and forgiving and kind to yourself, you have to treat other people that way first"......Nope.... 

He really is saying "I want you to love yourself and to love others in the same way."

BUT, in the middle of the conversation with my friend, the flashbulb flashed in my brain.  Wait...

"AS you love yourself" can mean two different things.  One, "in the same way."  the second is
"while or at the same time."

I started thinking...."What if at the moment I am loving myself....while I am treating myself with kindness or gentle acceptance or generous affirmation I will automatically being loving toward others?"   What if loving others is a natural, spontaneous, outgrowth of loving myself?

If I love myself I "build up, not tear down"....(Ephesians 4:29).  When I treat myself like Jesus treats me....I am built up.  When I am stingy, critical, self-punishing, unkind to MYSELF, I tear myself down.

When I start focusing on "building up" my strengths instead of "fixing" my weaknesses.  When I love myself.....

Then, what comes out of me toward others? 

What if loving myself will automatically make me more loving toward others?

Now, I immediately heard this religious voice in my head. that "healthy skepticism" that used to live full-time (and rent-free) in my mind. And now still makes periodic visits until I kick it out again.
that voice said, "All this loving yourself stuff sounds like an excuse to be self-serving and selfish.  After all, aren't we supposed to "count others as more important than yourself?"

Then I remembered my pastor Paul saying "it's all about relationship." And Danny Silk saying "religion wants rules. Love wants relationship."      

Can I be self-serving and selfish?  Of course?    If you never are, please let me know...I'll come and follow you around to figure out how you do it!

BUT, I am in a love relationship with Jesus.  HE is alive and loving and doing good stuff in me.

That skeptic voice would have me believe that my tendency to be selfish is stronger than the power of His love to make my heart soft. That my weakness is stronger than His power to love me until I want to be like Him instead of selfish and self-serving!

So....every morning I walk down the stairs from my room at the YWAM building.  In the span of windows above one of our entry doors, I see the line of homeless people waiting for breakfast at GLIDE church. I see some of our women - tired from a long night on the streets - standing in line.

I'm deciding to remind myself, as I walk down those stairs each morning:
"I want to love others in the same way I love myself." 
     
 And "While I am loving myself, I will actually love others in the process."

For a number of years I've been trying to learn to love myself.  I'm getting better at it. that religious skeptic voice no longer lives full-time in my head. 

 But now, I'm doing an experiment with self-love.  Speaking affirming words about myself.   Accepting myself with grace instead of judgement.  Encouraging myself.  Speaking words that build myself up instead of tear myself down.

It's an experiment to see how this changes the ways I love others!