Song from Revive on sunday:
"You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me from the shore into the waves...
 No fear can hinder now that love has made a way.
You make me brave...."

Wow....sobriety is damn hard!  So many of the women who come to BJM are active in addiction - drugs and alcohol.  Others are in recovery - for years or months or a few days.  Still others are engaged in a life-and-death battle today...right now.

Drugs and alcohol provide many women with the ability to cope with daily life in the Tenderloin.  When clinicians diagnose clients, one of the areas they explore is that of "life stressors."   Stressors are categorized - problems with lack of money, emotional and personal support, family problems, problems with housing and food, employment or health.

Daily life in the Tenderloin is like a case study in life stressors.  The one constant in just about everyone's life is "not enough."

The folks up at Bethel's Transformation Center in Redding, California have been working on a support group model for people living with drug and alcohol addiction. last time I saw Yvonne, I said, "Write faster!!!"

Been thinking about addiction. People here say they use drugs and alcohol to be numb.  To survive the cold nights or dangerous streets without feeling.

How inviting "numb" must be to anyone living in the Tenderloin.  Yet, I have spent my own time living "numb."    Thinking about the many ways Jesus has carried me during my life through "numb" into "feeling a little" and gradually into "being present and able to be myself."

Being present is scary and often painful.  Who wants to feel sadness and loss?  Not me!  Numbness doesn't seem so bad....a small price to pay for reprieve from pain.  Yet, that numbness steals joy.  And leaves us feeling empty and alone. Lures us with lies of control...."you can control this situation....you can feel again anytime you want....Being numb and checked-out is better than the alternative."


In healing prayer we often ask God, "Father, what lies am I believing?"   In the past, a lie I believed was "being numb is better than feeling."  And, "you're safer when you're numb."

some people believe God doesn't care. Or that He cares but, somehow, can't help.  Still others believe they deserve their pain because of the things they've done.  One woman said, "My liver's shot and I don't know if the doctors can help me. But, I drank for a lot of years. I guess I deserve it."

At BJM we often find ourselves having conversations about the nature of God.  Over and over we confront the lie that God wills bad things to happen. Many women have been told about a fickle, punishing God who "gives people" liver failure or depression or mental illness to punish or "teach me a lesson."  Over and over, we find ourselves saying. "God is Good.  GOOD.  Everything he does is good.  Sickness and depression and mental illness or addition aren't good. So, they aren't from God.  Period. End of story!"

One gift that happens at BJM is to create a place where women can feel again. A safe place where "numb" isn't the only way to avoid pain.  We open a spiritual space of acceptance and love - where someone trapped in addiction can find peace and safety.  Where someone who has retreated into themselves to escape from pain can rest. And slowly begin to peek out at life once again.

When God is waiting outside that door of numbness ....or when He will slip inside the closed door if a woman is willing... then it isn't so terrifying to think of trading numbness for life.  Of taking the risk of slowly, slowly S-l-o-w-ly learning who we are and stepping out to be our real selves.



Jesus carries us through.  He finds us lost in numbness and dissociation.  Lost in self-protection and fear.  He gently touches our hearts.  He offers to wait with us - for as long as it takes - until we want to move again. Breathe again.  Until we're ready to consider what feeling alive might be like again.

Sobriety IS hard. Yet, God knows that. And I believe Love can make a way.

this week Lisa, Lindsay and I declared Wednesday "Field Trip Day" and headed to the De Jung museum of art to see Georgia O'Keeffe's stunning exhibit from her days in upstate New York at lake George.

Three of the most lovely women from The Well came with us.  One is known in the Tenderloin as an artist - her work has been displayed in the community.  Another is a bundle of gentleness who loves to dress in jewel-tone colors and often wears the same color, head-to-toe.  The third, a sensitive woman who is more determined than most people I've ever known.

We wandered through the exhibit.  Chuckling over a few paintings that vaguely resembled something between bread dough and babies' bottoms.  Standing silent before giant versions of wild flowers or sunsets.  A sad pair of paintings of O'Keeffe's husband's photography studio painted after his death. One in bright sunlight - almost mirror-like. Another at evening.  Windows like empty eyes.
Brilliant, jewel-like paintings of fall leaves. Poppies, woodland jack-in-the-pulpits. A deep velvet purple morning glory.  So, so beautiful.  

Z commented that the photos of Georgia O'Keeffe appear sad. A bit removed from eye-to-eye contact.  Yet, her art is so personal. Detailed.  M loved the colors.  L, the artist, laughed and smiled her way through the entire exhibit.

Everyone voted the trip a success.  Banana bread picnic on the lawn in the warm sun.  Decided we should all get beach hats and make our next trip to see the ocean.

Three women from the TL - two have been homeless. One still is. Their lives a series of small, hard-won victories over mental illness, addiction, and family dysfunction.  Mingling with the crowds - well-dressed San Franciscans who love art and can easily afford the $25 tickets - I saw the same joy on their faces and ours. The same heart-touched reverence for beauty. 

We returned with laughter all around - and twinkling eyes.  It was good to remind each other of the beauty and life around us. 

Next trip to the ocean!